Tuesday, November 18, 2008

Wives Bill of Rights

We, as good wives (or girlfriends) have rights too and I loved this so much I just had to share:

Wives Bill of Rights
We, the wives of America, love being married to the husbands of America. We know we have our faults, but with our evermorphing roles of these days, there's a lot of pressure on us to be superhuman. We care for our families, manage the home, keep ourselves attractive, and even bring home our shares of the bacon. Weknow we sometimes lsh out, but we really do want to "live happily ever after" with you. Our mutual acknowledgment of these amendments can go a long way toward acheiving that.
Amendment 1
We have the right to dislike you buddies.
We know it's imp[ortant for you to have your guy firends, but you should know by now that we're not turned on by your stories of the good old days at college, your sexual exploits, or which relief pitcher the Yankees should trade. Disappear for awhile and be boys---it's OK, go chug a beer and high-five---but please don't expect us to be happy when your friends come over and put their feet on our coffee tables of leave their beer cans on the floor.

Amendment 2
We have the right to experience PMS in all its glory.
Either give us our space or accept the consequences. We know it's unfair, but some of us just can't rein it in. You knew that before you married us. We may shout, cry, belittle, act irrationally. It lasts a few days each month, so please deal with it. Or even better: bring home dinner, clear the dishes, and give us a big hug.

Amendment 3
We have the right to demand you finish a houshold job.
We're not your mothers, and we loathe having to act like them. If you wash dishes, do them all and clean the sink, too. Don't just bag the trash, take it outside to the bin. If you start a load of laundry, put it in the dryer and fold it too. We don't like nagging any more than you like hearing it.

Amendment 4
We have the right to an honest answer to "What's Wrong?"
We admit guilt in this area too, but "Nothing" says nothing. If we ask, it's not becuase we're trying to make casual conversation. It's because we love you and need an honest answer. If there truly is nothing wrong, then ask we think otherwise. Yes, this could open a can of worms, but remember when we dated and talked about everything?

Amendment 5
We have the right to keep our secrets.
Not marriage-ending ones, just small secrets we choose to hide from others. If we don't want to speak our age or share our true hair color or reveal the cheesy TV shows we watch in private, it's not our place to reveal them to our friends, your business partners, or your ex-girlfirends/wives. We're not asking you to lie for us, but we would appreciate your discretion.

Amendment 6
We have the right to clean air.
You may think it's funny, masculine, or natural to pass gas anywhere and anytime you please, but when the smell drives us to gag, it's uncool. there is sometihng inherently wrong in the relationship if you must walk over to us and fart, or if you intentionally set a bad example for the kids. We fart too, but we do so discreetly for a reason. You mayy not like our potpourri and scented candle, but they're infinitely better than toxic and flammable methane.

Amendment 7
We have the right to keep and bear tons of girly bathroom products.
You have your tools; so do we. These items are expensive and to be used sparingly. It brings no joy to see our $15 bath bar shrunk down to the size of a quarter after 2 passes on your chest and legs.

Amendment 8
We have the right to speak to our girlfriends every day.
About whatever we want, whenever we want. Please don't evasdrop or criticize. We know you're not interested in gossip or psycho-analytical interpretations of why some people do what they do, so we turn to our like-minded female friends for instant gratification. Yes, we do talk about you-- a lot. It helps us work theough issues. This keeps us happy, sane and, usually, off your case.

Amendment 9
We have thr right to flirt.
Not the kind that makes you jealous, but the healthly practice of connecting with another person on a non-sexual level. Light banter is fun, quick-witted, and encouraged to ur self esteem. It might even remind you of why you feel in love with us. And if it gets us a smoking deal on that new furnace or a free stay for the family at a million-dollar ski chalet, so much the better.

Amendment 10
We have the right to foreplay.
A fine bottle of wine, soft music, deep looks into each other's eyes, compliments, holding hands, cuddling--these are all forms of foreplay, and we insist on them. Please don't reach for our crotch or breasts ans expect us top melt into a porn kitten. It didn't work when we met, it most certainly doesn't work now. Sure, we women are strong and independent, and appreciate an inspired quickie when the moment strikes, but we also have an inner soft spot the size of Texas that needs squeezing and cherishing. We appreciate you more when you think about how it feels to us rather than how it feels to you.

Follow these simple things and you'll have a successful marriage.

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